Leading up to Birth.

I loved being pregnant. Even with “knowing it all” and being in the middle of a pandemic. I was in my little bubble of happiness and I always had my little bump with me.

When I first found out I was pregnant I couldn’t believe it. I had the faintest little line ever – but it was visible! I had a little scare – which I knew was an implantation bleed, even Jake did with a quick google! But it still panicked me.

Statistics say that I wouldn’t have a “low risk” pregnancy. Why was that? I was high risk for pre-eclampsia with it being my first pregnancy, BMI and mum having high BP in her pregnancy. My BMI being over 35 was another factor – one in which I could oversee (that is a whole other blog post). Also my history of anxiety and depression. Knowing all of this and the risks associated with it all I still planned for home birth. Which when talking to the obstetric consultant she was happy for me to do if baby cooked nicely.

I did not let this faze me. I was happy and I knew my baby was. I did everything in my power to keep healthy. I eat healthy (when I could) I did not put any weight on in pregnancy, actually lost some. I was taking my vitamins and aspirin. Engaging with every movement bambino did.

I had many little blips in pregnancy. First one being my shoulder tip pain. When I have endometriosis flares I get awful shoulder tip pain so I told myself it was my body’s way of saying something was going on down there – or trapped wind. I called my doctor who wanted me to get checked in the early pregnancy unit to eliminate an ectopic pregnancy*. There was my little bean with a flicker for a heart at 5 weeks and 6 days.

Private scan at 7 weeks gestation so Jake could see.

When I was 13 weeks pregnant I was trying to open the freezer door (we are in crazy need for a new fridge/freezer), when a full bottle of wine fell off the top and hit me on the back of the head – it killed! I cried and shrugged it off. Until 2 days later I realised I had a migraine constantly since then. Jake made me call 111 who suggested I went to A&E. It was awful, I love the NHS but that night I hated it. There was no room and it was disorganised. There were patients on the ward deteriorating in front of my eyes. One had a skin infection on her wrist which then started tracking up to her shoulder. One poor elderly lady had problems breathing but kept sliding down the bed which made her not be able to breathe properly. It’s so hard being a health care professional and not being able to help. I think the nurses were sick of me pressing my call bell to let them know the elderly patient needed help. What was upsetting was that the nurses were just as annoyed as the patients. Held up on one doctor being late, there was no discharge plans or no movement – therefore bed locked. In the end I self discharged, they couldn’t decide on whether to CT scan me or not and my headache had relieved itself.

Picture we did to tell selected people. We did not announce anything on Facebook. Just kept it all to ourselves and I loved it.

The rest of the pregnancy was plain sailing until I got to 31 weeks when my midwife measured my fundal height** and it was the same as it was at 28 weeks. I was due serial growth scans anyway due to my BMI but they brought them on a little earlier. In the scan baby was measuring perfect on the 50th centile.

At my 34 week appointment the midwife measured me again as I was not due another scan until 36 weeks. I was static again so she sent me for another growth scan. Knowing what I know I wasn’t concerned, just thinking it was due to my BMI and not being able to get the fundal height properly. When I went to the scan I was there for a total of 6 hours. I had the scan as was asked to sit back down in the waiting room. When I was scanned the sonographer just said blood flow was great. Though instead of taking the notes to the midwife she handed them back to me. I saw it. We had jumped down to the 5th centile from the 50th. Again I told myself it was an anomaly and just positioning of baby.

My favourite maternity dress and my little bump.

After a longggg wait in the waiting room I got called through by the midwife who had discussed my case with a registrar and they decided for weekly scans. First week to check blood flow and fluid around the baby, second week for another growth. Then to see a consultant and discuss a plan. She agreed with me that it was a difficult scan due to baby’s position and it could be an anomaly. However, I felt super emotional. I went back to my mums car and sobbed, in the back of my head I knew this was the downfall of my pregnancy.

I went to see the consultant a few days later who decided the goal was to keep me going as long as baby was healthy, still growing and blood flow ok. There was no reason for there to be a growth restriction that she could find. Following on two weeks later I had another scan and the growth was no better and slightly tailing off again. Blood flow still great and my movements were also good.

At that appointment at 36 weeks my blood pressure was slightly high so they kept me in to check. I also had protein in my wee and when tested had a high protein rate. They wanted me to have blood pressure checks 2/3 times a week. I was feeling rubbish, the hospital appointments were taking it out of me. The plan was if my blood pressure stayed steady for induction at 39 weeks – I was determined not to have an induction.

My anxiety was through the roof. I was constantly worried about movements and had a few checks for them. I’m not sure if it was being busy at work or my mind playing tricks. I took my own advice that I give to women and that being checked out is no bother. Even in times like this where covid was scaring everyone into staying at home, I would rather risk it to get my baby checked.

I finished work and had my virtual baby shower. Thankful for both I was feeling a little fed up with it all. This was my first pregnancy and I couldn’t have a dream baby shower with all my family around. I couldn’t have a goodbye work fuddle. Hardly any of my family got to see my growing bump in the flesh.

Tired eyes, emotional after my mum did a beautiful virtual baby shower for me.

The collection of cardigans my grandma had knitted! All beautiful! It’s been to warm for Woody to wear them but luckily he’s kept small so will get in some.

My plan for homebirth had gone out the window but I was still dreaming – my anxiety made me feel negative and in the back of my mind I knew I would end up with going into hospital. Though I still put plans in place for a pool and I wrote two birth plans. My goal was 38 weeks and for baby to keep growing and not tail off again. If not I was going in to hospital.

That decision was overridden at the end, which is a whole other blog coming next.

My last bump picture a few days before going in to labour.

*Ectopic pregnancy – an ectopic pregnancy is a pregnancy that implants outside of the uterus, for example in the Fallopian tube. If you have any symptoms of this it is import to get checked ASAP. https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/ectopic-pregnancy/

** Fundal height – this is when the midwife measures to see growth of your baby. She measures from the top of your uterus (Fundus) to your pubic bone. This is not a prediction on babies weight.

Tiny tiny, Big update.

Featured

Last time I wrote a blog was mid 2019. I was overwhelmed by my new job and living with Jake. We are now half way through 2021 and I’m overwhelmed about how much has changed in my life. Here’s a quick list to summarise this…

Laparoscopy Nov 2019
I moved to a Homebirth team June 2020
Covid 19 hit
Jake poorly.
Jake furloughed and my work got harder.
July 2020 Pregnant!!!
Nov 2020 left Homebirth team and made to work non clinically.
Jake had gallbladder removed.
One whole year since last seeing Dad, brother and my other family in Wales.
Feb 2021 Little man (Woody) born. World completely changes.

So as you can see a lot has been going on and I’ll go into more details on pregnancy etc in a different blog. Covid 19 made most slow down but it seemed to have out my life on the fast forward. Work seemed insanely busy. We wasn’t allowed into the office so starting from home it was! To be honest it made me less and less motivated. Understandably women needed more support and had more questions PLUS more women deciding Homebirth’s.

My anxiety during this time was through the roof. Trying for a baby and not getting pregnant, obsessing over ovulation tests and then pregnancy tests in the two week wait. Stressing about being too stressed.I was burnt out with work and then trying to make more money in the background selling bodyshop. I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t cope with advice and I felt I couldn’t be a good midwife. I could not stomach being on call and dreaded going in to work.

One day, I was stood in a car park crying to a colleague about how stressed I was and how I wanted to leave. Being a midwife wasn’t being a midwife any more. There isn’t enough time or staff to be work safely and give women the time they needed and it was heartbreaking. I was ready to hand in my notice and that night started applying for jobs. She asked me “what do you want to do?l” and within a sob I replied that I just wanted to be a mum. I told my family about not wanting to be a midwife anymore and they were so disappointed, it broke my heart that they were. To see me go through all the troubles of uni and being into my 3rd year of midwifery it seemed reckless to give it all up. I knew they would support me through anything however one if my traits is people pleasing and if I thought anybody would be upset or slightly disappointed I would not do it.
Funnily enough after this emotional outburst a few days later I had two little lines on that test that I waited for. And that colleague I cried to in the car park was the first person I called – again sobbed to her whilst still sat on the toilet. The wise lass Bailey said “remember this feeling Grace” and I always will. I’m so thankful for that.

I was on top of the world for a good few weeks until sickness and anxiety kicked in again. Throwing up on night calls and brain fog made me feel so guilty. Yet because of understaffing I was doing so many a week with some 24hour calls. This is what I was used to from one to one however it is so much different. One to one I had more autonomy. I knew the women and what was coming. I wasn’t petrified of being called into Labour ward. Plus I had autonomy with my time! I made the decision that I should stay where I am however ask to leave the Homebirth team as I could not cope with the on calls. I felt so guilty however stronger than normal. It wasn’t just my self care it was for my unborn bean. Towards the end with the coronavirus statistics getting worse I got a email to say that I should start working non clinical immediately unless I signed a contract to say I was happy putting myself at risk. I talked it through with a few colleagues who had mixed reactions – mostly to look after myself and take advice from the government and from work. Some thought it was stupid and said things like ‘well other clinically at risk staff have signed it’ later I found out that they weren’t pregnant they had clinical issues that put themselves at risk. If that was the case I would sign it too! However the thought of putting my baby at risk killed me and Jake also had a strong influence on it that I should take the advice.

oh the dreaded job I got put onto… the midwife advice line. I didn’t mind it most of the times but it make me question everything and get anxious myself. Finding myself questioning things like I should also be worried about these issues too! Plus most women who call me about issues and just feeling like I want to shout ‘I feel this way too!!!’. What stressed me out the most about this job was allocating work to other midwives on a morning. 1. I still did not know the area well so some poor midwives would be travelling here there and everywhere, 2. I felt bad allocating to people (I would not make a manager) 3. There was never enough staff to cover all of it! So one poor midwife would end up with it all and my guilty pregnant arse would be sat answering the phone, in non covid days I would still be working!

I got through it though, not sure how! I finished at 35 weeks as I had annual leave to take. Luckily I did because he came two weeks later. I am not sure where midwifery is going to take me now, I am confused and a little broken from birth (mentally). I have fallen out of love with midwifery but my passion is starting to rare back up. Whether it is going alone for a while and doing some antenatal classes and relaxations or working bank. Or just not going back at all. Only time will tell.

Being a midwife whilst having my first baby was hard and I will go into it more further in another blog. To end things here is a poem I wrote in the first few weeks of woody being born. It was written out of raw emotion at the time.

Not Just a Midwife

Midwife by job,

Passion and love.

Working hard through a pandemic,

My needs have been shoved.

Now it’s my time,

To grow a tiny human.

My first baby!

Well tried for, my soon to be son.

Do the normal checks,

Please don’t be quick.

I may have midwife friends to help.

But I need your support too.

Please don’t assume I know,

Please ask me how I am.

I may “know it all”

But inside I’m feeling down.

Please explain to my partner,

And answer all his questions.

It’s his first baby too!

Give him some suggestions.

Please remember to ask consent,

I am still a patient.

Just because I have a degree.

It doesn’t mean I agree with it.

My birth was traumatic,

Not what I wished for or planned.

So sorry if I’ve fallen out with midwifery for a bit.

I need to heal and comprehend.

Ask me how I’m feeling,

Mental health and physical too.

I may know how to look after a baby.

Doesn’t mean I’m prepared mentally.

Please go through the discharge information.

Even though I know the spiel.

I am a new mum, I am fresh and in pain.

Daddy needs to know too.

Please remember health care professionals,

can have problems at home.

No question of domestic violence.

No worries about mental health.

Midwife by job,

Passion and love.

New mum to be,

Please ask me how I am.

By Grace Talbot.

Choosing Home…

Featured

I thought this would be forever.

Coming home from a home birth 4am in the morning, tired and emotional. Wanting to talk through my birth with someone, why I am panicking, what is on my mind. But I have nobody to talk to except my little 6 month old rabbit. Therefore, I’m unable to get to sleep. My mind is swimming.

What was on my mind? It was not at all the beautiful birth I have just seen which I was in absolute awe of the woman and amazed to see her go through something so amazing. My anxiety was telling me, I shouldn’t have smiled that way, did I say the right things? will she transfer her care postnatally? I’m going to get sued, I’m going to loose my pin. Shall I message Sarah? No she will think I’m over reacting. I go through the whole birth, from first call to goodbyes. It was perfect nothing is wrong. What if she has a secondary PPH? Is my phone diverted correctly? What if she calls and my buddy doesn’t answer because she’s in the shower and now the lady is bleeding out. Grace stop.

I am in pain from my Endometriosis and I have “birth pool back”. Ok Grace, take a codeine – Brain “you’ll get addicted”, “what if you don’t wake up from it?”, “you’re overreacting about your pain”. So I go downstairs grab a hot water bootle and the rabbit and cry (Buddy the rabbits favourite as he loves the taste of salty tears). Now my mind is else where “what happens if the rabbit dies?” “What if I cannot have children?” ” Why doesn’t Jake want children now?” “Does he love me?”(of course he does). The next irrational thought swims my mind now I am breathing heavy and struggling to catch my breath. “Why can’t I cope?”…

This is just within 2 hours. All these thoughts swimming. I mean, it does not happen every day. Some days I’m the cockiest newly qualified midwife you’ll meet. My brain tells me “YOU ARE AMAZING” “YOU ARE THE SUPERWOMAN OF MIDWIFERY AND WOMENS HEALTH”. Then I try and get to sleep and I’m the worst person in the world.

With my job the women have a lot of choice (which it should be). They decide what they want in their care and we give them all the information they need to have that informed choice. Some women do not like our service, some feel it’s too much having the same midwife come to your house and befriend all your pets. Some women decide they don’t want me as a midwife, they don’t like me or do not like the way their care is going. That’s okay. I totally respect their decision. I have had a few make comments about my age and how I seem too young. That’s fine, I accept that. However, anxiety doesn’t. Huge breakdowns on how I feel about my job, being a midwife. It makes me feel so insecure. What’s wrong with me? Why don’t they like me? Sat writing this right now, I can tell myself that not everybody will like me, and that is ok. However, thinking back to some women who I thought I bonded with, that transferred care because I had to change an appointment due to a birth or the sonographer was off ill, I get the most awful stomach pitting sensation.

The feelings I get I feel are irrational. I feel I over react, I’m over emotional and sensitive and that nobody understands. They do!

It may seem like a crazy reason to leave this model of care, to leave what I know. However, I need home. I need family. I need to get home from a birth and be able to wake Jake up and be talked out of a panic attack or just talk about my fears. I am lonely here. As much as I love my work, the women and my colleagues it’s just not enough. I need to focus on me and my anxiety. So I’m still going to be a midwife, I’m still going to have my beliefs and ensure the women get their informed choices but I will be home. I will be working for a NHS trust, I will be having clinics and less on call. Yes that seems perfect, no longer on call 6 days a week, but now my anxiety is hitting “what if I cannot keep to appointment times”, “what if they think I’m a rubbish midwife?”.

All I have to remember is that I’m 23. 23. You’re 23 Grace.

Life doesn’t have to be fixed now. You don’t need to settle and have a baby and a mortgage and a ring. My fertility isn’t going to disappear overnight – Touch wood. I don’t have to be excelling in my career. If I make a mistake it’s okay, I’m young and I can do this. Nothing is a rush. Enjoy where you are. Now tell anxiety that.

Someone get me a life counsellor as I am stuck.

This quarter life crisis is turning into a full on career questioning, life questioning period in my life.

It’s been a while since I wrote into my blog, the may reason being is what to write about… I feel like I’m in a huge limbo at the moment waiting for bigger and better things to come along but what are they?

At the moment my life is split 3 ways. 1. Mummy Grace, who wants to be around Elwood all the time. Still breastfeeding and contact napping. Never want to be away from him. 2. Swim Teacher Grace, I love this job!! I love how happy it makes me feel, however it is only 5 hours a week and does not fund even half our energy bill 🤦🏼‍♀️. More hours to come hopefully! It’s so good for my mental health and I have an amazing job satisfaction.

Number 3 is midwife Grace. Now here’s what’s going down in this. As soon as I could I quit full time midwifery. I did not feel into it anymore, I couldn’t give myself and be enthusiastic with the way it was. I hate not being able to give women the care they deserved and it was getting me down and anxious. I do bank shifts when I can to keep up to things. I’ve also started my own business you may have seen it! Called Old Pine, New Beginnings. I want to offer lots of services to give that care to women and at affordable prices. I’m soon going to working doing a breast feeding cafe and I’m super excited to see what comes of it!

In July I am also due to start college! Doing my complimentary therapies so I can offer massage, aromatherapy and reflexology. I am very excited for this, it’s only one day a week and super close to home!

Now the issue lies that all this is great but doesn’t pay the bills. I’ve looked into doing another part time job but that splits me so many different ways, plus nothing is as flexible for me to work the hours I can. Also, the more I work the more child care we need to pay for. I mean who can afford that?

I’m sure there’s a lot of people that go through this, especially with starting a new business and that limbo of awaiting things to pick up. Some days I want to just give it all up, and apply for a full time retail job and that be it.

The other month I had an interview at 111, the day before I got a phone call saying I was over qualified and they couldn’t take my application any further. I was upset however, took it as a sign that it was not meant to be.

Some mornings I wake up thinking ‘right todays the day I become a Instagram and Tik tok star’ I mean who wouldn’t love to be the next Mrs Hinch with her ad and affiliate money plus the flexibility of working around her two boys, plus a dog and 3 alpacas (or lamas?)

I know I’ll get there soon and I’ll see a sign and be like ‘this is what I’m meant to do’. You know I might get to college and not like it! I might hate working for myself and want to go back into employment. What I know for certain at the moment is swim teaching is something I want to try and work around everything because I absolutely love it!

So now I have him, what do I do?

You have it all planned. The feeding, changes and cuddles. Is that it? What do I do when he starts moving?

After the huge initial shock into motherhood I started to get into the swing of things. You make your own little routine with your partner and baby that works well for you. Then all the anxiety came over with the fact I should really be doing things to help his development. Because I led him in his Moses basket near the tv for the first few weeks have I damaged him? Surely not! I did a little research and didn’t overwhelm myself so here’s a few things I did to keep my little Elwood entertained.

A cheap little black and white book. Whilst sat on the toilet having a break I read the book ‘Your baby week by week’ – which I may add is great but also very structured at the same time. It said that at his little tiny state he could see black and white and would love monochrome patterns. So straight away I went to Amazon. There were loads on it! Flash cards, banners, play mats and books. I chose a little fabric book. When it came I didn’t really know what to do with it. I showed it him and he glared and I though ‘Is this actually doing anything?’ I felt awkward doing it, getting nothing back from him. I kept going anyway and as the weeks went on he started reaching out and crunching the pages with his hands. He still at the age of 1 picks it up now and flirts with himself in the little mirror. So I guess it was a good little cheap investment.

Play mat. As he started to be more aware of the world, I needed to actually start moving off the sofa, and do things for myself instead of having a baby attached to me. My mum ordered Elwood a little play mat and it become my best friend. At first he laid there, shouting and crying. But as his vision got clearer and he could control his hands more he loved grabbing the little panda and playing. Before he started rolling I would pop it on the kitchen table and lay him down on it so I could do some dishes or cleaning whilst he was entertained (when I was feeling motivated enough to do so). When he turned 5 month old he grew out of it, I would find him laying the opposite way round or that he had pulled all the toys off. I invested in a bigger one. Again kept him entertained for a few months before he could pull everything off and had a 2 second attention span. He could also pull himself up on it when he sat up and just got annoyed about the dangly things in front of his face.

This was Elwoods gymnastics when he grew out of his first play mat.

Jumperoo, now this is a bit of a controversial one. There’s lots of dos and donts when it comes to these to do with the development of their feet and hips. Elwood got his when he was about 6 month old, he was sitting and had great head control (oddly he had this at about 4 weeks old. Lockdown babies aye). They are huge, they are ugly. And at the moment it blocks my full view of the tv but, it keeps him entertained – well kept. Elwood is still tiny so only in the last month has started to fully touch the floor with it. We pop one of them water play mats underneath his feet for more of a sensory play. He is obsessed with the giraffe on there and manages to pull it off every time. Now it’s just a quick place to pop him when I want to hoover or quickly do something. I think he’s grown out of it now and will probably sell it soon but we have had some funny times with him in it.

The ugly monstrosity of a Jumperoo that we have.

Books I love books, and I want Elwood to be one of them kids that get excited about a new book coming out. When he was smaller it was easier to sit him down and read to him. Whether he took notice or not I loved to do it. As he’s got bigger I cannot keep him still to do so. Unless it’s a touchy feely book which I am not allowed to touch it only he is. He loves the ‘that’s not my’ books! We have a huge collection as I cannot help myself, nor can auntie Gemma when it comes to buying Childrens books.

Instruments. Me and Jake are quite musical, we both play guitar and I play other instruments and sing too. Music is a huge part of our lives and Elwood loves it too. When he was little we would give him bells to shake. My mum has a music corner for him with lots of instruments to bang. I have this bag of wooden instruments to bang and shake, a recorder and he loves it. Though when I play the recorder he politely takes it off me and hides it. He’s started to get his groove and dances to music on the TV. During his first sleep regression the only way to get him to sleep was to play ‘Is this love’ by Bob Marley. I’m hoping to get a ukulele soon to learn and teach. My goals is to have a piano we can sit and play.

Toys. Now when I was pregnant I was always the one to say I did not want plastic noisy toys in the house. Now my living room is full of them. Anything to keep him entertained and let me drink a warm cuppa. Elwood doesn’t like to play much on his own. Sometimes he does but mostly will want one of us to sit on the floor with him. No matter how many light up fancy toys we do get, he will always go to his little wooden disks and plastic cups. He loves them. Stacks them and will sit banging them for ages. His new favourite thing to do is to hide his toys. It’s super annoying as I still can’t find one of his Toomie eggs and me and Jake spend our evening pulling the TV forward to fish little balls and blocks from the back. He also hides them in between books on his toy trunk.

Current view of his toys. His plastic giraffe he plays with quite a bit at the moment. The box of books that we find balls hidden in. Lots of wooden blocks everywhere.

Tv. Again controversial and again I said whilst pregnant that he wouldn’t be watching lots of TV. He doesn’t watch it much but he loves these YouTube videos with dancing veggies and also Miss Rachel. They allow me to shower, get dressed and have some time to myself to meditate etc. I pop it on on the tablet in his bedroom whilst he’s in his cot with toys and he will sit happily for half an hour. We have CBeebies on in the background sometimes. He only likes the music intros. The only programme he will sit and watch is ‘in the night garden’ which is part of our event b wind down routine. At the end of the day I don’t think there is a right amount of TV to show your children. It’s what works for you. And if it allows you to have that extra 5 minutes head space to yourself or a hot coffee then do it.

Going from little newborn to a baby who wanted entertaining was so hard. Finding myself trapped by not being able to leave him and not letting the house look like a pig sty. I really did not know how to play with a baby and I thought I must be boring him! I’ve learned that it is the simple things he loves and also simply spending time with me. Not looking at my phone not stressing about silly little things. I’ve made it my goal this year to sit and play with him, have fun because he isn’t going to be little for long.

Finding myself in my first year of being a mum.

Everyone says that becoming a parent is life changing. Well I did not expect it to change my life like this.

Looking down at my squishy little ginger baby I did not think I could fall any more in love with a human. I was petrified I would not feel that instant love feeling, but I did. The first 2 months were the hardest. People say newborns are the easiest part but I found the transition of sleepy quarter-aged still semi teenager adult to mother the hardest thing I have ever gone through.

Exhausted from a long latent phase OP* labour, sepsis and C Section, I was oddly wide awake for the first few days of Elwoods life. Luckily I got a side room but the ins and outs of midwives and paediatricians, along with a cluster feeding tongue tied hungry baba I only managed 2 hours of sleep a day. That was when Jake was allowed to visit and I tried to sleep through the crying of watching the love of my life with the new love of my life. The lack of sleep shocked me, when we brought Elwood home it was manic. Through anxiety when I could sleep I didn’t, and when I wanted to sleep I couldn’t. This child was having me. I thought he was against me and hated me by not wanting me to sleep. However, now I know it is totally opposite and he is utterly obsessed with me.

I felt like a completely different person. Bubbly, semi care free Grace went into that labour ward and Anxious, sleep deprived ‘mum’ came out. Who was Grace? Some nights I would lay awake and think back to pre baby life. It was good. I wasn’t the sort of person to be out socialising and drinking but I enjoyed my own time. My freedom to sleep when I wanted. To shower or bath when I desired. I would get anxious and regret not doing more with my pre baby life and think back and obsess over it. I was so happy to be Elwoods mum but I missed Grace.

I did get over that, out with the old life obsession. Especially when I could get out by myself, I loved taking him out and showing him off to the world. Even if it was all behind masks and hand sanitiser. There’s this lovely lady in home bargains we used to talk to (I went in a lot) she knew me from being pregnant so was lovely to be served by here again when I had Elwood. She said ‘oh she is beautiful what’s her name?’ To which I replied it’s Elwood! Or woody for short. I have never seen such an odd smile and reply which was ‘hmm interesting’

Breastfeeding was my godsend. Due to a crappy birth and trauma surrounding that I was glad it went right. There has been some hurdles such as slow weight gain, tongue tie, bleeding nips and cows milk allergy. We overcome them though and it’s a huge learning curve. In the early weeks I would obsess over this app that timed the feeds, when I didn’t have my phone and needed to feed I would panic about timing them. As soon as I gave up the app around 10 weeks I loosened up a little. My body and Elwood told me when he needed milk. I tried to pump to build up a stock for when I wanted a night away but that stressed me out. I would sometimes literally pump dust – I knew this was no reflection of my supply. My tatties just didn’t like the artificialness of obtaining milk that way.

With Elwoods cows milk allergy I had a couple of months where I felt trapped. Really got the memo where I was a parent and this person is stuck on me for the rest of my life. The dairy free formula is vile, it stinks. I wouldn’t put it in my body and Elwood would not put it in his. With only a very small frozen milk supply I worried about how I would have a life? He wouldn’t drink the express milk out of a bottle anyway. Finally after good weight gain the dietician approved of him trying normal soy milk alongside my breastmilk so I could have a break from time to time. He loves it and took to it well. Still nearly 13 month on we are breastfeeding with the odd bottle when I’ve been away from him. I am so proud of our journey, the trapped feeling was totally worth it. It is normal to feel trapped by a tiny human but it does pass.

During all this time I was having a huge career crisis. I love midwifery, I am passionate about reproductive health, families and everything surrounding it. However, the thought of going back gave me panic attacks. I’ve fallen out of love with the job of being a midwife. I came to the conclusion if I was getting that stressed about being back at work what am I going to be like when I am back at work? Plus with my ongoing birth trauma feelings I wasn’t sure I could be a good advocate for those going through the same. I don’t want Elwood to see his mummy hating work and hating her job. I probably will go back to midwifery, or keep doing something along the lines of it but not just yet. I truly then started to have a quarter life crisis, if I wasn’t Grace anymore, or a midwife then who am I? Joking I said I’ll be the next non cleaning mrs Hinch. I’ll become insta famous and all my problems will be fixed. Financially going back to work full time would me lots and lots of childcare fees. Plus I simply don’t want to be away from Elwood. So what would I do?

The midwife I miss being. I was busy, stressed but had a lot of job satisfaction. This way of working would probably not work for me now but to me, this was midwifery. This is how I loved it.

When Elwood was 9 weeks old we started swimming lessons. We loved them, the closeness the singing plus the sleepy baby afterwards always gave me a good 2 hour nap. When a job opportunity popped up to train to be a teacher I said to Jake that I right fancied it. He encouraged me to email and ask. If I wanted to do it we could make it work. After lots of hurdles and things I thought would have put a stop to it all didn’t. I’m nearly qualified and ready to teach. Just some co teaching and an assessment left! I love it. You can’t be moody in the water. You don’t have social media or outside world getting in. The hours work perfectly for me and I will be able to find something to do alongside it too – not sure what it is yet but a psychic told me I will thrive in my own business that’s creative (if anyone has any ideas please message me).

First day in the pool in my new uniform.

It’s really weird the first year of your babies life. You go through so much in this small amount of time. Now he’s 1 and he’s looking more like a little boy than a baby and I miss baby him so so much but cannot wait to see his little personality shine more as he gets older. He actually amazes me every single day with new skills and noises. I was worried around the 9 month mark as he was silent, didn’t really laugh out loud, didn’t babble much at all. He was crawling but I felt he was super quiet. The health visitor was no help at his 10 month check, over a rubbish quality video chat she said by 10 months he should be saying 3 words in context. That she thought he may be deaf and to refer us to get his ears checked – 3 month on this appointment still isn’t through and a few weeks before he was 1 he started chatting away. Of course ‘dada’ was his first word. Followed by Olly (the dog) and doggy (the same dog). It wouldn’t be mama would it, the person who has sacrificed her skin, body and boobs for you.

So right now I’m typing this on my phone at 10:18pm with a sleepy baby on my lap. I literally got the urge whilst feeding to type this. I suppose that’s how writing like this works. We have had a weird couple of weeks of illness, me being away and then more illness. I have felt guilt like no other (which has been totally new with being a mum). Looking at his little sweaty head on my lap I couldn’t think of anything better. I love every single part of his tiny human body – even though he woke me up every hour last night and got poop all up his leg today. Again, I should be asleep but I’ll probably be up another couple of hours looking at photos and videos of him because that’s the craziness motherhood has driven me too.

Hence the new title of my blog. Learning motherhood. As this is truly what I do every single day is learn learn learn. It has been more brutal than my degree. Every single day is an exam with the outcome being a happy, well fed and hydrated child asleep in their cot if I pass (fingers crossed it will be that tonight).

Thank you for reading my blog! It’s been a long time coming as I haven’t had the oomph to do it in a while! Please like, comment and subscribe! Follow me on Instagram at @learningmotherhood_

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Week 4 of the graft.

Learning, listening and more learning is how I will describe my 4th week of my new job.

Do I love it? Yes!

All that anxiety of thinking I would regret it and I am enjoying it. Yes it has its faults like IT 🙄. Also with the lack of continuity but I’m still providing care I’m still being a midwife.

I did a post on Facebook about two weeks ago now about how I’m loving 9-5 and that Friday feeling as I haven’t felt it for a long while. Yes it’s only the start and I have plenty of on call and and weekend work but I’m enjoying it for now. However, my bubble got burst by a comment “Such a shame babies don’t arrive 9-5”. With the anxiety I feel I felt awful and just deleted the post. It made me feel very guilty. It is true! Babies don’t come in 9-5 hours. But why should I feel guilty? Yes continuity matters and it works but also, it isn’t going to work with a burnt out midwives. Women will be look after in labour no matter what, as long as I’m am there to empower them in the birth of their choosing then I’m sure I am doing my job.

Rant over… this week has been amazing. I’ve now done 2 full clinics by myself, chase up some women who missed appointments and have a couple long long bookings. I love it though. Part of me thinks it’s because I’m a little nosey. I love finding out about people’s lives and family’s and culture. This week it has been Eid! Where I lived before I didn’t have many clients that celebrated but here I do. So this week has been a learning curve. Asking questions about cultures, religion and what their plans are.

I’ve also found my phone! First week down and I lost my phone. Today I get granted a new one and hey ho there is my old phone IN MY BLOODY LAPTOP BAG. I’ve been carrying it around all week! so that has been my anxiety this evening. Am I too forgetful? Is this a sign of early onset Alzheimer’s. Or is it because I’m tired and been focusing to much on things around me and not me. Hopefully the latter.

I am getting there with all the learning. It’s not the midwifery I need to learn it’s the ‘where do I refer this to?’, ‘who is in charge of this?’, ‘WHY CAN I NOT WORK THIS FU****G COMPUTER’- Breathe Grace.

Me and Jake are also still learning to live with each other and we are getting there. I’m just forgetful or find other things around me more important and I think it comes across lazy. I’m not lazy… well I can be at times. It’s not lazy lazy, it’s the type of lazy where I can’t be bothered to fake tan tonight. Or get dressed on my day off. We are both so bloody stubborn we bicker and there’s never really a reason for it!

So that’s it for today! Short and sweet. Mental health wise I’ve been quite good. A little teary but we need that from time to time, an addition of hormonal rage = Healthy mind of Grace. I’ve been off medication for 2 months and I’m going good! I’ve had my panic days where I’ve just had to sit and breathe. The best thing is my mam is around the corner and she understand how I’m feeling more than anyone- I think that’s what helping me along the most.

So long.

Grace x

New house, new job, new me?

So I’m on my 2nd week of my new job. 4th week of new house. So just a quick little blog to catch up with you all and also as a self care measure with myself.

New house.

I’ve lived with people before and house shared. This is very different. I am now sharing a beautiful house with my partner. Who I love lots and have wanted this for a while. Am I truly happy? I’m not sure is the answer. It’s been a long 3 weeks. Getting to know each other’s routine, getting used to seeing someone every day. I love it I do but being in my own house by myself for nearly a year and sharing space for a weekend at a time is very different from this.

To say the least I’m a little selfish. I’m used to laying when I want, cleaning when I want, doing nothing all the time on my own time. Now I have to share the time, now I’m keeping the house clean for someone else. Sharing what’s on the tv, considering him in every thing I do. It’s hard but we are slowly getting a routine. We have bickered lots, and some more but I have also been very hormonal and scatty (not pregnant just artificially hormone infused uterus playing up). What do we do when we are stressed and upset? Take it out on the ones we love. Though I don’t mean to at all, or I don’t even know I am half the time! It’s hard as all I want to do is come in, sit, not eat or eat shit and then sleep. I’m getting to know people at work, taking and smiling constantly so when I get home I’m worn out of it all! Jake understands I hope, or I’m sure he is understanding this side to me more.

We have been having less and less time for each other. This 9-5 working is tiring! By the time I get home, cooked tea, eaten, made sarnies and bathed it’s then time to sit with the rabbit before going to bed. Jake normally goes to be an hour before me as he wakes at 4 (poor thing). I’m sure in the next couple of weeks we will get our own routine and ensure time for each other. At the moment I’m missing him.

New job

So first things first. In this first week I have lost my work phone. I’ve never done anything like this. However I feel it is the fact that I’m not attached to it as I was with one to one as I’m not on call 24/6. Plus you turn the phone off. So what have I done? Turn it off after work and now I can’t call it to see if I can hear it.

Apart from that everyone is bloody lovely. The team have been very supportive and helping me out. So far I’ve been e-learning, with some e-learning and some added fire training – Fun… This week I’ve seen some more, seen my clinic that I will take over and have plans for the week to shadow.

I’m a little bored and I do feel like a student. It’s not the midwifery I need to learn it’s the ways of documentation, the IT, the SOP’s. Plus I’m still waiting for IT to get back to me with logins for everything which I’ve heard can take some time. As soon as that’s in place I’ll be happy to go my own merry way into the world of community midwifery in the NHS.

There has been talks about the new continuity model coming into place which will be developed and implemented by the midwives who wish to work this way. I’ve included myself in this. I feel I have a lot to give from where I’ve come from and it is the midwifery I believe in and believe women deserve.

I am missing one to one more and more every day. In the back of my head- and probably a cause of recent panics, I’m worried that I’ll regret it. I’m not regretting my decision at the moment but I’m scared I will.

That’s what anxiety is, the future. You never get anxious over the present it’s always what will happen in the future whether that’s near or far. For example, if you’re sat in a crowded room it’s not the fact you’re in the room it’s the thought of, what if I cannot get out? What if there’s a fire? What if people go home and bitch about me? – thank you to the counsellor that pointed this out to me and made me understand my own thoughts more.

I am really happy with the team I’ve been allocated to and I’ve been told that both clinics I cover are lovely. I think I just need to get my head down and work now and hopefully that will take my mind off things.

One of my biggest all time anxieties and one thing I’m sure I need to get help for (again) is the fear of not being liked. The fear of upsetting someone. This is why I find it so so hard to say no to people. I think that was the biggest thing with being in Cheshire working on a one to one model really gave me burn out. Even towards my last week I was still covering stuff I really didn’t need to cover. In my head I’m doing it to help people and it’s my responsibility but in hind sight it’s not. Jake hates it and when I used to say yes to covering scans when he was there or cry to him as I’m work out he used to get angry as to why I’ve done it to myself! Nobody forced me to do them, nobody said ‘you’ll be fired if you don’t do it”. It’s the fact I thought people would be let down if I didn’t or think of me as lazy and I couldn’t bare it. There was even one day where I turned up to work in a lot of pain from diagnosed kidney stones because I didn’t want to burden the midwives. Yet it ended up being more a burden with me being sent home and midwives having to cover my phone longer due to me making myself more run down.

So that is my target, my wish, my contribution to my personal growth… I can say no, I will say no, people won’t hate me if I do. I won’t loose my pin if I do. It doesn’t mean I’m lazy. If people have a problem they can stick it – sorry not really I don’t think my brain would cope with that. It would take a lot of propranolol.

Here’s to a new adventure (cheese). I will keep you (and myself) updated on my journey with mental health and midwifery.

Sorry this one is a bit of a ramble and jumps here and there but I type with how my brain thinks.

Comment if you enjoy!

How I am feeling today.

So I didn’t really want to make this blog a journal type thing but today has been a day I need to reflect.

How am I feeling right now this minute?

Emotional

Tired

Happy

Anxious

Pained

I am so happy, it’s hard to describe. I’ve seen two beautiful baby girls enter this world today. I’ve had one hour sleep since 5am yesterday. But that is okay, I got to see physiological birth the way it should be. Without all these time constraints, just going with the mums and their instincts.

One we nearly transferred for 2nd stage delay, however the amazing strong mum roared her baby our. Relying on her husband and best friend for support. I am in awe of her body and how determined she was to bring her beautiful big eyed girl into the world in the comfort of her own home.

Now on my way home from doing the first primary visit, seeing the family coming together. Meeting the new grandparents. I am so emotional, sad emotional with a hint of anxiety.

This is how I want to midwife. I am petrified of changing and moving and getting rid of all my beliefs and trust in physiological birth.

I am also upset about the suicidal pigeon I had on the way home, who lost their life to the grate in my car. (I tried to dodge but I couldn’t)

Another thing that’s on my mind is moving, am I anywhere near packed? No. Do I have the motivation? No. Will I let my parents down with a half packed house next Saturday? I hope not. If anybody is non judgemental about a messy house filled with bunnies and hay and is well cluttered, who would like to help me please stand up. I will repay you with tea and bunny cuddles along with my life long gratitude.

So thoughts to change my negativity-

Grace, please keep it up. We have done through moving schools, a levels, first job, university, first midwife job, getting through and interview and getting another job. You can take change you can. You have moved more times you can remember.
The bunnies will forgive you for not being home for 18 hours.
Chocolate can fix things.
Think about all the good memories with one to one, all the normality. Try to take it with you to your new job and implement them. You can midwife. You are a midwife. And you will survive.
Que Sera Sera. – this is a little thing that has got me through everything. I chant it in my head at the worst of times.

Plan for the rest of my day (which may change, who wants to throw another birth in?)

Scans, cover the scans I had planned in.

Go to Morrison’s, get myself a salad some milk and an Easter egg. – treat yo self girl.

Home and relax, probably will do a meditation with a bunny running around -perfect.

Nice bath, small glass of wine and early night. Hopefully with new fresh sheets if you have the motivation to do that.

Wake up tomorrow, it is a new day. Smile about the beautiful weekend you have had.