Last time I wrote a blog was mid 2019. I was overwhelmed by my new job and living with Jake. We are now half way through 2021 and I’m overwhelmed about how much has changed in my life. Here’s a quick list to summarise this…
- Laparoscopy Nov 2019
- I moved to a Homebirth team June 2020
- Covid 19 hit
- Jake poorly.
- Jake furloughed and my work got harder.
- July 2020 Pregnant!!!
- Nov 2020 left Homebirth team and made to work non clinically.
- Jake had gallbladder removed.
- One whole year since last seeing Dad, brother and my other family in Wales.
- Feb 2021 Little man (Woody) born. World completely changes.
So as you can see a lot has been going on and I’ll go into more details on pregnancy etc in a different blog. Covid 19 made most slow down but it seemed to have out my life on the fast forward. Work seemed insanely busy. We wasn’t allowed into the office so starting from home it was! To be honest it made me less and less motivated. Understandably women needed more support and had more questions PLUS more women deciding Homebirth’s.
My anxiety during this time was through the roof. Trying for a baby and not getting pregnant, obsessing over ovulation tests and then pregnancy tests in the two week wait. Stressing about being too stressed.I was burnt out with work and then trying to make more money in the background selling bodyshop. I wasn’t sleeping, I couldn’t cope with advice and I felt I couldn’t be a good midwife. I could not stomach being on call and dreaded going in to work.
One day, I was stood in a car park crying to a colleague about how stressed I was and how I wanted to leave. Being a midwife wasn’t being a midwife any more. There isn’t enough time or staff to be work safely and give women the time they needed and it was heartbreaking. I was ready to hand in my notice and that night started applying for jobs. She asked me “what do you want to do?l” and within a sob I replied that I just wanted to be a mum. I told my family about not wanting to be a midwife anymore and they were so disappointed, it broke my heart that they were. To see me go through all the troubles of uni and being into my 3rd year of midwifery it seemed reckless to give it all up. I knew they would support me through anything however one if my traits is people pleasing and if I thought anybody would be upset or slightly disappointed I would not do it.
Funnily enough after this emotional outburst a few days later I had two little lines on that test that I waited for. And that colleague I cried to in the car park was the first person I called – again sobbed to her whilst still sat on the toilet. The wise lass Bailey said “remember this feeling Grace” and I always will. I’m so thankful for that.
I was on top of the world for a good few weeks until sickness and anxiety kicked in again. Throwing up on night calls and brain fog made me feel so guilty. Yet because of understaffing I was doing so many a week with some 24hour calls. This is what I was used to from one to one however it is so much different. One to one I had more autonomy. I knew the women and what was coming. I wasn’t petrified of being called into Labour ward. Plus I had autonomy with my time! I made the decision that I should stay where I am however ask to leave the Homebirth team as I could not cope with the on calls. I felt so guilty however stronger than normal. It wasn’t just my self care it was for my unborn bean. Towards the end with the coronavirus statistics getting worse I got a email to say that I should start working non clinical immediately unless I signed a contract to say I was happy putting myself at risk. I talked it through with a few colleagues who had mixed reactions – mostly to look after myself and take advice from the government and from work. Some thought it was stupid and said things like ‘well other clinically at risk staff have signed it’ later I found out that they weren’t pregnant they had clinical issues that put themselves at risk. If that was the case I would sign it too! However the thought of putting my baby at risk killed me and Jake also had a strong influence on it that I should take the advice.
oh the dreaded job I got put onto… the midwife advice line. I didn’t mind it most of the times but it make me question everything and get anxious myself. Finding myself questioning things like I should also be worried about these issues too! Plus most women who call me about issues and just feeling like I want to shout ‘I feel this way too!!!’. What stressed me out the most about this job was allocating work to other midwives on a morning. 1. I still did not know the area well so some poor midwives would be travelling here there and everywhere, 2. I felt bad allocating to people (I would not make a manager) 3. There was never enough staff to cover all of it! So one poor midwife would end up with it all and my guilty pregnant arse would be sat answering the phone, in non covid days I would still be working!
I got through it though, not sure how! I finished at 35 weeks as I had annual leave to take. Luckily I did because he came two weeks later. I am not sure where midwifery is going to take me now, I am confused and a little broken from birth (mentally). I have fallen out of love with midwifery but my passion is starting to rare back up. Whether it is going alone for a while and doing some antenatal classes and relaxations or working bank. Or just not going back at all. Only time will tell.
Being a midwife whilst having my first baby was hard and I will go into it more further in another blog. To end things here is a poem I wrote in the first few weeks of woody being born. It was written out of raw emotion at the time.
Not Just a Midwife
Midwife by job,
Passion and love.
Working hard through a pandemic,
My needs have been shoved.
Now it’s my time,
To grow a tiny human.
My first baby!
Well tried for, my soon to be son.
Do the normal checks,
Please don’t be quick.
I may have midwife friends to help.
But I need your support too.
Please don’t assume I know,
Please ask me how I am.
I may “know it all”
But inside I’m feeling down.
Please explain to my partner,
And answer all his questions.
It’s his first baby too!
Give him some suggestions.
Please remember to ask consent,
I am still a patient.
Just because I have a degree.
It doesn’t mean I agree with it.
My birth was traumatic,
Not what I wished for or planned.
So sorry if I’ve fallen out with midwifery for a bit.
I need to heal and comprehend.
Ask me how I’m feeling,
Mental health and physical too.
I may know how to look after a baby.
Doesn’t mean I’m prepared mentally.
Please go through the discharge information.
Even though I know the spiel.
I am a new mum, I am fresh and in pain.
Daddy needs to know too.
Please remember health care professionals,
can have problems at home.
No question of domestic violence.
No worries about mental health.
Midwife by job,
Passion and love.
New mum to be,
Please ask me how I am.
By Grace Talbot.
Learning Motherhood 