Everyone says that becoming a parent is life changing. Well I did not expect it to change my life like this.
Looking down at my squishy little ginger baby I did not think I could fall any more in love with a human. I was petrified I would not feel that instant love feeling, but I did. The first 2 months were the hardest. People say newborns are the easiest part but I found the transition of sleepy quarter-aged still semi teenager adult to mother the hardest thing I have ever gone through.
Exhausted from a long latent phase OP* labour, sepsis and C Section, I was oddly wide awake for the first few days of Elwoods life. Luckily I got a side room but the ins and outs of midwives and paediatricians, along with a cluster feeding tongue tied hungry baba I only managed 2 hours of sleep a day. That was when Jake was allowed to visit and I tried to sleep through the crying of watching the love of my life with the new love of my life. The lack of sleep shocked me, when we brought Elwood home it was manic. Through anxiety when I could sleep I didn’t, and when I wanted to sleep I couldn’t. This child was having me. I thought he was against me and hated me by not wanting me to sleep. However, now I know it is totally opposite and he is utterly obsessed with me.
I felt like a completely different person. Bubbly, semi care free Grace went into that labour ward and Anxious, sleep deprived ‘mum’ came out. Who was Grace? Some nights I would lay awake and think back to pre baby life. It was good. I wasn’t the sort of person to be out socialising and drinking but I enjoyed my own time. My freedom to sleep when I wanted. To shower or bath when I desired. I would get anxious and regret not doing more with my pre baby life and think back and obsess over it. I was so happy to be Elwoods mum but I missed Grace.
I did get over that, out with the old life obsession. Especially when I could get out by myself, I loved taking him out and showing him off to the world. Even if it was all behind masks and hand sanitiser. There’s this lovely lady in home bargains we used to talk to (I went in a lot) she knew me from being pregnant so was lovely to be served by here again when I had Elwood. She said ‘oh she is beautiful what’s her name?’ To which I replied it’s Elwood! Or woody for short. I have never seen such an odd smile and reply which was ‘hmm interesting’
Breastfeeding was my godsend. Due to a crappy birth and trauma surrounding that I was glad it went right. There has been some hurdles such as slow weight gain, tongue tie, bleeding nips and cows milk allergy. We overcome them though and it’s a huge learning curve. In the early weeks I would obsess over this app that timed the feeds, when I didn’t have my phone and needed to feed I would panic about timing them. As soon as I gave up the app around 10 weeks I loosened up a little. My body and Elwood told me when he needed milk. I tried to pump to build up a stock for when I wanted a night away but that stressed me out. I would sometimes literally pump dust – I knew this was no reflection of my supply. My tatties just didn’t like the artificialness of obtaining milk that way.
With Elwoods cows milk allergy I had a couple of months where I felt trapped. Really got the memo where I was a parent and this person is stuck on me for the rest of my life. The dairy free formula is vile, it stinks. I wouldn’t put it in my body and Elwood would not put it in his. With only a very small frozen milk supply I worried about how I would have a life? He wouldn’t drink the express milk out of a bottle anyway. Finally after good weight gain the dietician approved of him trying normal soy milk alongside my breastmilk so I could have a break from time to time. He loves it and took to it well. Still nearly 13 month on we are breastfeeding with the odd bottle when I’ve been away from him. I am so proud of our journey, the trapped feeling was totally worth it. It is normal to feel trapped by a tiny human but it does pass.
During all this time I was having a huge career crisis. I love midwifery, I am passionate about reproductive health, families and everything surrounding it. However, the thought of going back gave me panic attacks. I’ve fallen out of love with the job of being a midwife. I came to the conclusion if I was getting that stressed about being back at work what am I going to be like when I am back at work? Plus with my ongoing birth trauma feelings I wasn’t sure I could be a good advocate for those going through the same. I don’t want Elwood to see his mummy hating work and hating her job. I probably will go back to midwifery, or keep doing something along the lines of it but not just yet. I truly then started to have a quarter life crisis, if I wasn’t Grace anymore, or a midwife then who am I? Joking I said I’ll be the next non cleaning mrs Hinch. I’ll become insta famous and all my problems will be fixed. Financially going back to work full time would me lots and lots of childcare fees. Plus I simply don’t want to be away from Elwood. So what would I do?
When Elwood was 9 weeks old we started swimming lessons. We loved them, the closeness the singing plus the sleepy baby afterwards always gave me a good 2 hour nap. When a job opportunity popped up to train to be a teacher I said to Jake that I right fancied it. He encouraged me to email and ask. If I wanted to do it we could make it work. After lots of hurdles and things I thought would have put a stop to it all didn’t. I’m nearly qualified and ready to teach. Just some co teaching and an assessment left! I love it. You can’t be moody in the water. You don’t have social media or outside world getting in. The hours work perfectly for me and I will be able to find something to do alongside it too – not sure what it is yet but a psychic told me I will thrive in my own business that’s creative (if anyone has any ideas please message me).
It’s really weird the first year of your babies life. You go through so much in this small amount of time. Now he’s 1 and he’s looking more like a little boy than a baby and I miss baby him so so much but cannot wait to see his little personality shine more as he gets older. He actually amazes me every single day with new skills and noises. I was worried around the 9 month mark as he was silent, didn’t really laugh out loud, didn’t babble much at all. He was crawling but I felt he was super quiet. The health visitor was no help at his 10 month check, over a rubbish quality video chat she said by 10 months he should be saying 3 words in context. That she thought he may be deaf and to refer us to get his ears checked – 3 month on this appointment still isn’t through and a few weeks before he was 1 he started chatting away. Of course ‘dada’ was his first word. Followed by Olly (the dog) and doggy (the same dog). It wouldn’t be mama would it, the person who has sacrificed her skin, body and boobs for you.
So right now I’m typing this on my phone at 10:18pm with a sleepy baby on my lap. I literally got the urge whilst feeding to type this. I suppose that’s how writing like this works. We have had a weird couple of weeks of illness, me being away and then more illness. I have felt guilt like no other (which has been totally new with being a mum). Looking at his little sweaty head on my lap I couldn’t think of anything better. I love every single part of his tiny human body – even though he woke me up every hour last night and got poop all up his leg today. Again, I should be asleep but I’ll probably be up another couple of hours looking at photos and videos of him because that’s the craziness motherhood has driven me too.
Hence the new title of my blog. Learning motherhood. As this is truly what I do every single day is learn learn learn. It has been more brutal than my degree. Every single day is an exam with the outcome being a happy, well fed and hydrated child asleep in their cot if I pass (fingers crossed it will be that tonight).
Thank you for reading my blog! It’s been a long time coming as I haven’t had the oomph to do it in a while! Please like, comment and subscribe! Follow me on Instagram at @learningmotherhood_
Learning Motherhood 